The Power of Mindfulness
Hoping everyone is fairing well during the freezing temps and dark days of Jan and now Feb. Lately (for some reason) I’ve been talking to my girls about the power of mindfulness; how it can take you from a “dark” moment to a “light” one, especially during the dismal days of winter. Mindfulness is really a simple concept, but in today’s world where technology controls our every move and thought, mindfulness takes effort. I was with my 27 year old nephew last night who commented about how fast life is passing him by; this from someone who spent almost 2 years in rehab and sober living. Not once at dinner did he take out his phone, not once did he complain, nor did he make the conversation about himself. He was in the moment, listening to his cousins, asking questions and only spoke about himself when asked. When I brought up “mindfulness,” he quickly responded: “I work on being more mindful every day Aunt De as even if the days fly by, at least I appreciated them enough to remember them always.” Sheer wisdom.
So thinking about the power of mindfulness which I know WE all get, I've also been thinking about the power of listening, which I’m beginning to recognize IS mindfulness. Last week a group of Warrior Moms went to CUNY to hear Dr Brad Reedy speak, Evoke Founder and author of The Journey of the Heroic Parent. The room was filled with parents of children who have been to Evoke and parents who “follow” Brad. (On a side note, he speaks almost monthly in NY and anyone is invited to attend. Also, thrilled to report that he will be our first speaker at our first evening meeting! The date is TBD but we are shooting for April.) Before he began to speak he had each of us pair ourselves with a stranger and take 5 minutes to tell our story. I had my partner Steve go first; Mind you, we never met before. Steve began to talk about his son and I didn’t have the heart to stop him; the pain in his eyes told me he just needed to “share.” His journey with his son had been tearing him apart and it was so real and evident to me even in the short 10 minutes. He spoke to me with trust, as if we knew each other and in a strange way, I felt like we did.
As parents of children that struggle with mental health, we know one another before we meet because we have lived each other’s pain to some capacity. Through our ups and downs and pain and grief we have emerged with more compassion, more empathy and an awareness to “listen.” I could have listened to Steve all night simply because I knew that his sharing and my “listening” was healing, for both of us. Imagine that, we all possess this God given power; all we have to do is use it. It made me recognize the power of the circle of support that Warrior Moms is all about. Each meeting gives every mom the moment to be heard; something that in today’s world is a rare and golden opportunity. Katie and I began the group after “listening” to each other and recognizing that power. When we offer a mom who has been torn apart by the struggles of her child the opportunity to share and be heard, we are doing Gods work by simply listening. When we “detach with love” (thank u Meredith for sharing these words!) and simply listen to our children, we are helping them help themselves. When we listen to ourselves and follow our thoughts, we are empowering and healing our souls.
Who would have thought that LISTENING could be so transformative......
Things that we have to be mindful in order to remember. Things that weigh heavily on our children everyday. “Things” that we should talk about with our children on a daily basis.....
1. Lower the pressure.
Seems simple but it’s complicated. Most parents reaction to this is that they don’t put pressure on their children. Sometimes, even our “expectations” are beyond their reach. When a child is struggling, the simplest tasks are unattainable. As well, even if we don’t put pressure on them, they put it on themselves. When they begin to sink under the weight of pressure from us or themselves or society, they begin to measure/compare themselves to us and those around them. What they see is that they don’t measure up and then a lack of confidence and shame sets in. Bringing a sense of normalcy to how they are feeling can be done by us, their parents by exposing our struggles and our failures thus “humanizing” us to them. If we are “successful” parents, they think we are “perfect” (God knows I loathe that word). One of my girls texted me from school the other day and conveyed how difficult two classes were and as much as she tried she knew she flopped the exams. I quickly texted back to her that I flopped many exams in my first two years and even failed a class and that it never defined me; I got jobs, found my niche. Her response was: “thank you ma that made me feel better.” As parents we are perfect in some abstract way to our kids; we don’t SEEM to be struggling. We all know this is a smoke screen but they don’t because we never tell them otherwise. So tell them; share your mistakes, your failures, your bad choices. Then tell them how all of those “things” helped to shape you, build your character, your confidence. Help them to realize that making mistakes and bad choices are part of the building blocks of who we are if we choose to not let them define us. Remind them that College isn’t for everyone as there is no said path. And, what College they go to doesn’t matter; what they do while there, is what it’s all about.
2. Yes we are alone through their journey, but think about how isolated they feel.
This one really makes me cringe because I remember how isolated I felt when I was navigating my daughters struggles. No one wanted to approach the subject and in fact most people ignored me. It’s in our nature to be judgmental and when people are going through mental health struggles human nature causes people to “judge.” I remember the day Katie and I rekindled at a friends Christmas Party which was 3 years ago today. It was the first time I spoke freely about what happened and it was the moment that I felt free. Imagine how our kids feel. Who are they talking to? Who’s listening? Who’s not judging? All they can surmise is that’s it’s only them. They are isolated beyond the definition of the word. The shame becomes a shadow that not only follows them but leads them. It’s all they can “feel” and as each day goes on they feel worse and worse about themselves. And thus their behavior changes and we wonder “what happened.”
So love them, hug them, let them know that who they are is WHY you love them. Know that they love you even if they tell you otherwise which they may because it’s safe for them to let their anger/frustrations out on you because you will never stop loving them; because you will never judge them; because you will always embrace their flaws because you know everyone has flaws. And because you know that who they are is why you love them.
How Social Stress Makes your Brain Vulnerable to Depression
Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?
John Green Tells a Story of Emotional Pain and Crippling Anxiety. His Own.
My Mother’s Mental Health and It's Ripple Effect on My Life
As heart wrenching and disturbing as her story is, I do believe that times HAVE changed; we are not afraid to face the truth of mental health. I grew up with a sister whose emotional struggles manifested into Anorexia and Bulimia. Upon being told what my sister had, my mother silenced all of us, telling us never to talk about it with anyone. So of course we didn't; we sat by and watched my sister waste away and still do today. As long as my mother is here on earth, my sisters struggles are non existent. I always wondered (and still do today) as to WHO really has the mental health issue.....Point is, our parents didn't have the understanding and resources that we have today. And, if we think the mental health stigma is bad today, it's nothing compared to what is was during our childhood. I remember, like it was yesterday another disturbing story of a fellow lacrosse player. She was a year older; captain of the team; strong as a Ox. She came back to school the Fall of her junior year having lost a lot of weight; she looked amazing. But she kept loosing and by November she could barely walk up the stairs at school. We helped carry her books. No one talked about "it." Day after Christmas she died of a heart attack; she was 16. Her family was so shamed that they moved away over night. Her death opened the eyes of the medical world and finally they began to talk about Anorexia.We, as a moms being transparent and honest, are helping to diminish the stigma. You are all "warriors" as you are accepting your child's emotional state by learning to understand it, not hide it. You are resilient to the judgement of others. You are fearless advocates and pioneers of alternative options. You are not afraid to question those who assume to know without accepting that perhaps they don't. You are Warrior Moms and your children are blessed to have you.
One Degree Revolution, Small Shifts, Big Changes | Coby Kozlowski | TEDxBerkshire
While I was at Kripalu last week with 2 of my daughters, we lucked out and took Coby's class called Chakra Vinyassa Yoga. It was a 90 minute workshop where she lectured for 45 minutes then worked on opening our 7 Chakras through yoga-like movements. At the end of the 1.5 hour class all 40 class members were in tears. I've never met a more meaningful, powerful "teacher" than Coby. So when I googled her I almost fell over; not sure it's possible to have accomplished more in ones short life than she has!
Her Ted Talk is totally worth the 15 minutes, especially the powerful ending.