1. Lower the pressure.
Seems simple but it’s complicated. Most parents reaction to this is that they don’t put pressure on their children. Sometimes, even our “expectations” are beyond their reach. When a child is struggling, the simplest tasks are unattainable. As well, even if we don’t put pressure on them, they put it on themselves. When they begin to sink under the weight of pressure from us or themselves or society, they begin to measure/compare themselves to us and those around them. What they see is that they don’t measure up and then a lack of confidence and shame sets in. Bringing a sense of normalcy to how they are feeling can be done by us, their parents by exposing our struggles and our failures thus “humanizing” us to them. If we are “successful” parents, they think we are “perfect” (God knows I loathe that word). One of my girls texted me from school the other day and conveyed how difficult two classes were and as much as she tried she knew she flopped the exams. I quickly texted back to her that I flopped many exams in my first two years and even failed a class and that it never defined me; I got jobs, found my niche. Her response was: “thank you ma that made me feel better.” As parents we are perfect in some abstract way to our kids; we don’t SEEM to be struggling. We all know this is a smoke screen but they don’t because we never tell them otherwise. So tell them; share your mistakes, your failures, your bad choices. Then tell them how all of those “things” helped to shape you, build your character, your confidence. Help them to realize that making mistakes and bad choices are part of the building blocks of who we are if we choose to not let them define us. Remind them that College isn’t for everyone as there is no said path. And, what College they go to doesn’t matter; what they do while there, is what it’s all about.
2. Yes we are alone through their journey, but think about how isolated they feel.
This one really makes me cringe because I remember how isolated I felt when I was navigating my daughters struggles. No one wanted to approach the subject and in fact most people ignored me. It’s in our nature to be judgmental and when people are going through mental health struggles human nature causes people to “judge.” I remember the day Katie and I rekindled at a friends Christmas Party which was 3 years ago today. It was the first time I spoke freely about what happened and it was the moment that I felt free. Imagine how our kids feel. Who are they talking to? Who’s listening? Who’s not judging? All they can surmise is that’s it’s only them. They are isolated beyond the definition of the word. The shame becomes a shadow that not only follows them but leads them. It’s all they can “feel” and as each day goes on they feel worse and worse about themselves. And thus their behavior changes and we wonder “what happened.”
So love them, hug them, let them know that who they are is WHY you love them. Know that they love you even if they tell you otherwise which they may because it’s safe for them to let their anger/frustrations out on you because you will never stop loving them; because you will never judge them; because you will always embrace their flaws because you know everyone has flaws. And because you know that who they are is why you love them.